


stop and take a second

by SleepyMozzarella



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Slow Burn James Potter/Lily Evans Potter Relationship, good characterisation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28383285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyMozzarella/pseuds/SleepyMozzarella
Summary: Lily hated James. She had established that. But did she still hate him? Had she ever even really hated him at all?James still liked Lily. Even after he stopped asking her out everyday, even when she was angry with him, which seemed to be all the time, and especially when he was with other girls.In their sixth year of Hogwarts, Lily and James navigate the budding relationship between them alongside the dramas of school, friendships, and the inevitable wizarding war.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	1. good girls go to bed on time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the Harry Potter universe. I own nadda. I also don't support her utterly rubbish, transphobic views.

Lily Evans secured her trunk to her trolly, making sure her cat, Wilbur - who was scowling at her grumpily - was tied tight enough. With a 'hmph' of approval she ran forward into the brick wall and onto platform nine and three-quarters. She was met with a chaotic crowd of mothers and fathers badgering their wide-eyed first years with a ton of questions relating to whether they had remembered everything, friends gathering together on the platform in hopes of getting a carriage together and tired looking student not ready for another semester of school work and exams. The Hogwarts Express was already filling up and Lily was silently hoping - since she had arrived rather late - that her friends had already picked a carriage and she wouldn’t have to share with a bunch of loud first years. She was already grumpy since she had slept in and did not want to become further irritated by younger students. 

Lily was naturally a nihilist, cynical of anything with a cringe-worthy meaning. She often preferred the pessimistic outlook on life, thus an already grumpy Lily would see the glass fully empty, rather than half empty. This meant scenes of teary parents saying goodbye to their children or excited young girls giggling in groups as a boy in their year walked by - in fact any scene of textbook-emotion - made her irritated. She did not have time for sentimentality.

She pushed through the crowd, boarding the train and storing her trunk with the others. Lifting Wilbur's cage she hurried along, looking in each carriage to see whether her friends were in any. She heard the voice of Marlene McKinnon and opened the door to the carriage which it seemed to be coming from. To her further annoyance it was full and her friends were sharing the carriage with a couple of gryffindor fifth years - Billius Weasley and the Prewett twins. Alice Fortescue, Dorcus Meadowes and Mary MacDonald gave her apologetic looks - looks that suggested they were equally dismayed by the unfortunate location the fifth years had decided to sit for the journey to Hogwarts. Lily chuckled slightly at the irritated desperation in Marlene's glance towards the chattering group who were oblivious to the annoyance they had caused. 

"I'll see you guys when we arrive,” she said lightly, closing the carriage door behind her. 

"This is what you get for being fucking lazy, Lily," she whispered to herself as she trudged down the remaining corridor.

To her further annoyance, the only gryffindor carriage which had any remaining space and was not totally full of younger students, was seating the infamous Marauders - James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. She opened the carriage door, breaking them out of their conversation and causing all four eyes to stare straight at her.

“Evans,” James said, hiding surprise, running a hand through the black mess of hair on his head. 

"Care to join us?" asked Sirius.

"I don't have any choice," Lily mumbled

"One always has choice over their actions," James stated matter-of-factly.

“Shut up, Potter. All the other carriages are full." She sat down next to Remus, placing Wilbur's cage between her feet.

"We will kick you out if you continue to be rude." Lily scowled at James in return.

“So Evans, your friends have finally ditched you then?" Sirius asked with a smirk, “I knew they wouldn't hang around long."

“For the last time, the only reason I'm sitting in your carriage is because my friend's carriage is full of fifth years and if you have not noticed I'm tired and would rather be seated near the four of you than a bunch of annoying younger students," she replied with a tone of frustration. They were all silent.

"It has nothing to do with old Prongs here then?" Sirius asked after a moment, with a false sincerity.

Lily's relationship with James was complicated. From first year to third year, everyone had known that James fancied Lily for he asked her out, usually accompanied with a prank of sorts, almost everyday for three years. However, Lily had hated him - well maybe hate was too strong but she definitely had despised him. She had made friends with Severus Snape before arriving at Hogwarts in her first year as a refuge from her relationship with her sister, Petunia. The Marauders, as they had become known as, often picked on Slytherins, particularly as Sirius’ family were all Slytherins themselves and he openly hated his family. Snape was the main target for their childish pranks and Lily, who obviously took Snape's side, despised the Marauders for the pain they caused her best and only friend at the time. However, as Lily made friends with the girls in her dormitory in Gryffindor and Snape resigned to the quiet darkness of his Slytherin year group, their friendship grew apart. The Marauder’s stopped making Snape the common denominator in their pranks, rather focusing their trouble on actions that would cause a fit of giggles from the students and perhaps a few snickers from the teachers. Just this morning, Lily had overheard, they had made the Ravenclaw fifth year, Charity Burbage’s, head temporarily bald for she had not stopped looking at her reflection in the train window. Even Lily had to admit she chuckled to herself when she had found out - their pranks had become rather witty. James had stopped asking Lily out after third year and as her and Snape grew apart, Lily found herself enjoying the company of the Marauders. However, she would never admit this to them (particularly not James) for their ‘friendship’ - if you could call it that - was disguised with aggressive banter, particularly involving Lily adamantly reassuring them that she hated their guts.

Lily rolled her eyes as James elbowed Sirius harshly in the stomach. "Actually, on second thought Potter is more irritating then the Prewett twins," Lilly retorted, getting up to leave.

“No wonder you are sitting with us,” Remus said, winking at Lily with an understanding of the annoyance of being anywhere near the red-headed brothers.

“Yes, you must stay Lily," said Sirius, faking concern with a smirk. Lily gave him a  
sarcastic smile and sat back down. She pulled out her copy of ‘Dark Magic and Politics: a conversation on manipulating the media' and set about reading, desperate to finish the chapter she had begun late last night - the reason she had slept in this morning - despite the loud conversation between Sirius and Remus about which Bertie Bott’s every flavour bean was worse.

"That is an extremely serious book." She looked up. James met her eyes. His gaze was searching her expression. He had not said much, she realised, especially considering he was usually just as talkative as Sirius.

"Is it?" she challenged, lifting her eyebrows at him.

"Reading a book with firstly such a depressing title and secondly one that is not on the reading list this year, means it is an extremely serious book to be reading.”

"And you have memorised the reading list?"

"I have a photographic memory." James ran a hand through his messy, dark hair, holding her gaze.

“I find that very hard to believe."

"And why is that?"

"I don't see you reading any books not on the reading list.”

“So you have memorised it too?” Lily scowled at him. James was always one step ahead. She could never out-wit him or out-argue him so she resumed reading her book even though she knew he was waiting for a reply. He wouldn't get one, even if she appeared like a sulking child, for in this moment Lily felt extremely foolish (or was she suddenly shy?). Out of the corner of her eye she noticed James frown ever so slightly before joining into the conversation the other Marauders were engaged in - which consisted of Sirius retelling the story of how he got the seventh year Hufflepuff, Camilla Haberfat, to snog him at her party during the holidays. Lily couldn't concentrate on her book and resorted to looking out the window at the endless green fields, the lines of trees and the grey, milky sky. She imagined herself running among the cornfields, alone, free and far away from the stuffy carriage, the haunting reality of the inevitable war her book was commenting on and most of all James’ searching gaze.

“Lily," someone was shaking her awake, "Lily, we're here." She opened her eyes, the fuzziness of sleep clearing to reveal James Potter leaning over her. The other Marauders must have already left. She sat up quickly, rubbing her eyes only to realise she had forgotten that she was wearing mascara.

"Shit!" She grabbed Wilbur's cage and hurried out of the carriage, trying to ignore the niggling thought in the back of her head wondering why it was James Potter waking her up.

“You’re not going to say thank you, then?" James called out after her. 

"Nope!" she shouted back. She quickly located her friends on the platform and went over to join them, the cool air of outside shaking away the grogginess of sleep.

“You look like shit," Dorcus greeted her.

"Love you too," Lily said with a mocking grin.

"Where did you end up sitting?" Marlene asked.

"It looks like she ended up running beside the train to Hogwarts,” Dorcus said with a scrunched nose. 

“With the Marauders," Lily replied.

“Fun!” Mary chimed in sarcastically. Dorcus raised her eyebrows at Lily. The truth was that almost every girl old enough to fancy guys would do anything to be able to sit with the Marauders. Sirius Black and James Potter were undeniably hot - even Lily had to admit that neither were bad looking. The school halls would usually be buzzing with gossip regarding which girl got lucky at a party and snogged Black or Potter, and this often ended in a discussion about whether one was more of a Potter girl or Black girl. The group also had gained a popular reputation for their witty jokes or daring pranks that usually landed all four in detention. Lily, however, had made it abundantly clear (maybe too clear) to her friends that the last thing she would want to do is spend time with the Marauders.

"Poor thing," Marlene cooed as she swung her arm around Lily’s shoulders and the five of them loaded themselves onto a waiting carriage, pulled by invisible thestrals.

"I don't think they're that bad," Alice declared. 

"Only because you're desperate to fuck Remus," Dorcus replied.

"Dorcus, I..." Alice spluttered angrily and the group laughed. 

Soon Hogwarts came into view, the stone towers glowing from the setting sun and each lit-up window appearing like stars against the deep grey stone walls. Lanterns lit the pathway up to the main castle entrance and you could even feel the warmth emanating from the great hall from the carriages. Lights bobbed up and down on the lake from the boats holding the first years, as if the stars slowly appearing in the gradually darkening sky were falling into the murky water. It was beautiful and Lily always felt as if she was finally arriving home. It was nature, the physical realm, that Lily found true emotion in, not the sentimentality of humanity. The walk up the moving staircase to the portrait of the Fat Lady was the most relaxed she had felt all day. The Gryffindor common room was already bustling with students and Lily pushed herself through the crowd of busy students, finally climbing the staircase to the left of the main room where all the girls dormitories were. Reaching the sixth year dormitory, she pushed opened the door, dropped her trunk and Wilbur's cage with a loud thump and an angry grumble from Wilbur, and collapsed on the nearest bed.

"No, no, no," Mary said following her in, "I must have the bed nearest the door. You need to move.”

“Ugh," Lily replied sitting up, "even if you have this bed, we are all still going to be disturbed when you sneak back in during the middle of the night.” Rolling her eyes with a slight smirk, Lily moved to the bed nearest the window.

Mary MacDonald always had a new boy she was seeing, adamantly trying to prove she was a boyfriend-girlfriend type of girl, rather than a one-night stand type of girl. However, she rarely seemed to keep one boy hanging around and was always sneaking back into the dorm late at night after a quick shag in the broom cupboard in the west corridor. She was pretty, the kind of pretty that felt like summer and came with warm brown eyes and beach-waved blonde hair. She had a small, pointy nose that gave her a kind-of cute expression that easily captivated the six-foot-five bad boys that Mary expressed attraction to. But she always went for the small guys, the ones with mousy expressions and meek personalities, which Lily always suspected was a sign of insecurity. She was extremely outgoing and had a casual air about her that made her incredibly easy to hang out with. She had a big mouth and Lily dared not trust her with gossip, however, she knew that Mary would be there for her friends when they needed her most. Most of all, Lily knew Mary never asked anyone for help and if she was struggling, she would suffer alone.

"Oh for another year of charms and transfiguration, homework and examinations," sighed Marlene dramatically, joining the other girls in the dorm. Marlene McKinnon was a quiet kind-of girl, shy yet witty and was always open to poke fun at herself yet for some reason she was almost insufferably perfect. She was gorgeous with long, fawn brown hair scattered with blond highlights that reached the middle of her back, large hazel eyes and defined cheek bones. Her smile was as sweet as honey and to those who didn't know her well she appeared incredibly polite, however, her friends knew her tongue could be icy sharp. Lily chuckled at her disgust at being back at school, for Marlene, despite being rather smart, hated school.

"It's only going to get worse," Dorcus said with false sincerity.

"Shut up Dorcus, I'm not blessed with your optimism," Marlene retorted. The girls chuckled for Dorcus was the furthest from an optimist than any of them. At the same time the door swung open and Jade Sinclair's bleached ice blonde and plump lipped head smiled at the group. Lily noticed Dorcus roll her eyes and mutter some curse under her breath - Dorcus could never hide her dislike for anyone. In fact none of them particularly liked Jade. She was always trying out some new trend from Witch Weekly, embodying an ‘alternative’ aesthetic that she felt made herself a superior to those she labeled "basic bitches". She was strangely pretty but dull. She only talked about boys, in particular sex and was always hiding her desperation to be invited to the latest party. She had a vision of herself as some picture of popularity, however she was too obviously insecure and her efforts at being socially confident usually ended with a loud display of her painful awkwardness. Thus, the other girls in the gryffindor sixth year faked niceties but usually avoided any one-on-one confrotation with her. 

"Girlies, are we ready for our sixth year?" Jade said excitedly as she entered, "we are almost the boss bitches of the school." Lily gave her a half-arsed smile. The other girls stayed silent.

"I'm off to dinner," Lily declared, digging into her trunk to pull out a navy blue, V-neck sweater to pair with the low-waist flared jeans she was already wearing. She rubbed some concealer under eyes to hide her growing bags, reapplied her mascara and sprayed herself with some perfume to hide the day's adventures.

"I'll come," Dorcus said, following Lily out of the door as the rest stayed behind to unpack. 

Lily loved the Great Hall with it's bewitched ceiling of twinkling stars, long wooden tables that would soon be heaped with food after the first years are sorted into houses and the bustle of noise that filled the air. Dorcus and Lily sat down, beginning to discuss who the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher could be just as the four Marauders waltzed into the hall and came to sit down near the pair.

"Well rested are we?" James greeted Lily. She blushed remembering how she had fallen asleep in their carriage. 

"Not nearly enough now that you're here," she replied with a fake yawn.

"I'm so sorry to hear that,” he replied with sarcasm," Remus is here if want to have a quick nap on his shoulder." Lily, realising she must have fallen asleep on him during the train journey, turned to Remus.

“Oh, I'm sorry I was so tired from staying up late last night. You know, self-sabotage and all...” “It was fine, Lily,” he interrupted, "feel free to use me as a pillow anytime."

"In fact, I think James is just jealous of Remus," Sirius said winking at her. Dorcus snorted and Sirius wined loudly as James kicked him under the table. Lily chuckled.

"I think that deserves an applause," she grinned at Sirius, "he is truly silent now."

"Now why would I be jealous?" James said, gazing right at her, "if I recall correctly, Remus had to wash his shirt clean from your drool." Lily scowled at him - God she hated him sometimes, especially when he was wearing that smirk and his eyes were focused on her so intensely.

"I don't drool," she said stiffly, trying to hide her agitation. Turning back to Dorcus, they resumed their discussion about the latest DADA teacher, with Lily consciously ignoring the Marauders, before they were joined by their other friends.

Not soon after she sat down Marlene squealed, abruptly stood up and hurried away. The four remaining friends watched her run up to a blonde haired, tall, chiseled boy wearing Ravenclaw robes: Lucas Waterstone. He had been Marlene's boyfriend for two years but had spent this holiday in Wales as his mum coached the Holyhead Harpies, so the pair had not seen each other since school had broken up. Dorcus fake-gagged as they watched the pair snog passionately, a snog that was obviously two months overdue. 

“Aw, they are cute,” Alice sighed. She was naturally a romantic, someone who would blush at poetry and expect roses on Valentines Day. With deep brown ringlets and pink, plump cheeks she was the picture of romance herself. She always had crushes on a boys and blushed profusely when someone mentioned it. She rarely hooked up with a guy unless they had what she described as ‘relationship potential'.

Dorcus, on the other hand, was not romantic in the slightest and told anyone who would listen that love was simply a capitalistic tool for increasing profit inherited of money-hungry muggles. She had a prickly personality and was rarely nice to anyone, even her friends. She always said what ever was on her mind, refusing to filter it for the purpose of what she called 'boring common decency'. She often appeared threatening with a height of almost 6-foot and a bold stature of confidence, but was beautiful with deep black eyes, a mess of tightly curled brown hair and rich, dark skin. Lily had forced her to become friends in their second year, for even though Dorcus was content by herself, Lily told her she needed to become more sociable if she was going to shake the reputation of being a psychopath.

When Marlene returned to the table, Dumbledore stood up to his podium and the assembly began. After the sorting of the first years and the announcement of the new DADA teacher, who would be a small, beady looking wizard called Gregorian Alatar, the food was finally served. Lily dug in, hungry from the long journey and lack of food since early this morning. She listened to the chatter around her but did not join in, rather focusing on her food. Her mind drifted to her conversation with the Marauders earlier and James' curt comments, the dryness to his voice, the harshness to his stare, the way he knew exactly how to make her blood boil. She did not know where she stood with him, particularly as both had conflicting histories with Snape, and although this had never bothered her before, the niggling feeling at the bottom of her stomach told her that this year it did.

“What are you thinking about, Evans.” She looked up surprised, James’ eyebrows were raised in her direction.

"Do I look oh-so deep in thought?" she asked. 

"You're dodging my question. Something embarrassing perhaps?" he teased.

"Nah, just something you are better off not knowing.”

“Try me.”

"Oh you know, how I would rather have my neck hanging from just a thread of skin like nearly-headless Nick than be talking to James Potter right this second.” He chuckled.

"Life is precious, Evans. Don't go losing it on my account,” he smirked.

"Oh believe me, you're well worth it."  
"Liar! You can't live without me."

"The whole point of this conversation, Potter, was that I can't live with you."

"Actually, wasn't the point of the conversation what you were thinking about."

"And if you had any notion of social cues you would know that people don't usually share their thoughts."

"So it was embarrassing,” he grinned and ran a hand through his hair, making it messier than it already was, “having a little sexy rendezvous with someone in your head?"

“Evans I didn't take you for someone willing to have a sex dream in the middle of the Great Hall," chimed in Sirius who had over heard, "and in front of Dumbledore too.”

"Shut up the pair of you,” she sighed. The evening was becoming later and she was too tired to think of more witty responses.

"Right, we will leave you to it," Sirius responded, "however, next time you plan on doing it again, let me know and I'll happily join in." Lily scowled at him.

"Don't test me, Black.”

“Alright, alright," he said whilst putting his hands up in false defence. James grinned next to him.

"I think I'll head up to bed," she told her friends getting up to leave. She felt James eyes on her as she walked out the hall.

Once she reached the dorm, she finished unpacking her trunk, had a long shower and climbed into bed next to a purring Wilbur, hoping to finally get some good sleep. However, she would soon find out her head had other plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi readers,  
> Thank you for reaching the end! I hope to god you enjoyed it. This first chapter is mainly to characterise Lily and her friends, so I am sorry if it is a bit boring. As the story progresses, I promise it will get more juicy. Lots of Lily and James smut to come!
> 
> Please, please, please review. I am literally begging you (on my hands and fucking knees). 
> 
> Love to you all. 
> 
> P.S. The next chapter will be in James's perspective - I am planning to alternate between multiple perspectives in this fic.


	2. cigarette smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Once again all ownership to JK.

James Potter woke on his first morning back at Hogwarts to a rather loud commotion between Remus and Sirius about who would get to use the shower first.

“ Sirius, I literally woke up first," Remus was saying through gritted teeth, "my stuff is in the bathroom already.”

"Maybe, but you should not leave the bathroom unattended if you plan on using it," Sirius replied with a smirk, "You know the rules Moony, finders keepers."

"I went downstairs for 2 seconds to help a rather disorientated first year who had woken up in the common room after sleepwalking."

“Not my fault you are some great samaritan, intent on solving the woes of the masses."

"Fuck off Padfoot and just let me have the shower."

"That is not a very convincing argument," replied Sirius as James groaned at the pair.

"Can you just sort this out already," he said with frustration, “before I charm my pillow to suffocate the pair of you." They both turned to look at him.

"Alright, Prongs can decide who gets the first shower," Sirius replied.

"But... I... up... first,” Remus spluttered angrily.

"Moony, let Padfoot have the shower first. We all know he stinks way more than the rest of us,” James proposed. Remus chuckled and Sirius grinned triumphantly until he fully processed James' reasoning when his grin suddenly transformed into a narrow-eyed glare in James' direction. James simply chuckled as Remus pushed Sirius towards the bathroom.

"You won Padfoot, stop sulking," Remus smirked.

"Did I win though?" he asked defensively, "or did you two just insult the most handsome Marauder?”

"Oh we just insulted you, I guess you technically lost," replied James, "and just to clear up who the most handsome Marauder is, it's me. You're third at best." Sirius scowled at James and flipped him off.

"I get the most girls, Prongs," he shouted from the bathroom, “they can't resist me." Only Peter chuckled. James rolled his eyes and slammed his pillow over his head in order to get a few extra minutes of sleep.

At breakfast, the post arrived. James received a letter from his mother. It was elusive, barely describing in detail any events that had taken place since he had left for school. Instead it detailed an in-depth recount of the hiring of a new house-elf for the kitchen and a long description of a floral vase his aunt had sent his mother. James sighed - it was always like his mother to dismiss topics of importance and hide family troubles behind domestic conversation. Over the break, James' house had been tense. His father, who was high up in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, had begun taking extra night shifts and working on more dangerous missions with the Aurous. James, who was used to his father being absent since he had spent most of his childhood alone with his mother in the family's large house, did not notice when his father stopped coming home for dinner. However, his mother had minded. James had thus spent much of the holidays hidden in his room listening to the latest record from the Hexed Hippogriffs or outside on the family's mini quidditch pitch practicing his aim with the quaffle, trying to escape the arguments occurring between his parents. He guessed his mother was simply scared, a war was now generally being considered inevitable and his father was only becoming more involved. Deaths were popping up in the Daily Prophet everyday, Death Eater numbers were increasing and tensions were rising between tradition and modernity. James didn't have to be told for it lay in the bolded headlines of the newspaper in front of him that had also arrived with his post. He only wished his mother didn't hide it from him.

 _"Three dead aurors and a seriously injured muggle after a public attack from Death Eaters in outskirts of London. Ministry in scrambles as they hurry to control potential magical exposure and face a further blow to auror numbers,"_ the newspaper read. 

" Fuck,” James mumbled.

“What?” asked Sirius. James pushed the newspaper towards him. Sirius' grey eyes clouded with anger for a moment and then went blank when he realised now was not the time to hex someone out of fury. James looked over at Lily, who's freckled-face was scrunched into a frown, her eyes focused on another copy of today’s Daily Prophet lying on the table in front of her. He wondered, for a second, whether she was scared but soon realised that she was angry, her green eyes blazing.

"Evans," he found himself saying. She didn’t look up.

"Mmmh.”

"You alright?" She looked up now, catching his eyes.

"What do you think, Potter?” she replied harshly, "they're hunting fucking muggleborns, people like me and I sit here powerless surrounded by a ton of pureblood offspring such as yourself." James blinked and stared back, slightly shocked by her curt reply. Normally he would purposely try and aggravate her, but today he had not meant too, in fact, he thought to himself, he had just wanted to let her know he cared.

Lily must have realised the confusion in his eyes for she quickly muttered, "sorry, I did not mean to snap, I'm just angry at you know..." She jabbed the paper in front of her before giving him a weak smile and turning to chat with Dorcus.

After breakfast had been eaten, class schedules were handed out and McGonagall called the Gryffindor prefects - Lily and Remus - for a conversation about meeting logistics. James could have guessed they would both get the role even before their appointment last year, for Lily had a natural knack for bossing people around and Remus, with exception for his frequent input into the success of the Marauder pranks, was an excellent follower of rules. He noticed Lily give him a small, apologetic smile as she walked passed him to fetch Remus. Perhaps she did understand the reason behind his question.

"Ugh, I just remembered I need to organise a time for quidditch trials," James said. Sirius groaned in response. Quidditch trials were always painfully chaotic and James usually found himself getting furious at the inability of some of the students who showed up and the random group of Hufflepuff girls that would come just to watch and squeal. In fact, the Gryffindor team didn't even need any new players for this season, however, James knew when the seven years left at the end of the year, the team would be fucked next season. He wanted to graduate Hogwarts having won the house cup so trials were necessary, new meat had to be trained.

"Do you have to, Prongs?" asked Sirius, "actually do I even have to show up?"

"If you don't show up, I'll cut you from the team."

“C’mon, you can't kick your best friend off the team."

"Actually I can. If you don't show up to trials, you don't have a spot. That's the rules. I don't want people thinking nepotism is the reason you are on the team. I can't deal with the drama that will create. People want your spot, Padfoot. Earn it."

"Gees, alright I'll show up. Don't get antsy with me."

"Don't test my patience when it comes to quidditch," James said with a grin, playfully punching Sirius in the arm.

"Yes of course, oh-so high and mighty King and Lord and... Queen... of quidditch," said Sirius with a sarcastic bow.

"Queen?" snorted James.

"I ran out of muggle titles."

"You need to pay more attention in muggle studies.”

"I'll have you know I got an Outstanding for my muggle studies OWL.”

"Well then you must simply be stupid if you couldn't think of another muggle position of power."

"You try, especially when you're put on the spot."

"Duke, Baron, Earl, Viscount...”

"Alright I get your point," interrupted a scowling Sirius, "at least I'm not a total weirdo who can list British muggle ranks on request... ow.” He winced as James kicked his shin under the table.

"Just be there at quidditch trials, Padfoot.”

"I already told you I'd be there," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.

James nodded, "right, well I'm off to potions ‘cause we are already really late and Minnie is heading our way right this second. Lucas - whatever his name is - is holding a party on Friday night and I would rather be there than polishing trophies with you and Wormtail."

"Lucas, that Ravenclaw prick dating Marlene?" asked Sirius.

"Yup." James winced as McGonagall fastly approached Sirius from behind.

"Minnie, how wonderful to see you. I hope your holiday was fantastic. We were just on our way to class,” said Sirius to a rather stern looking Professor McGonagall.

"I hope so Mr. Black for a detention this Friday is looking very probable,” she replied.

"Yes, look I'm walking there now," called back Sirius as the three of them rushed out the Great Hall.

"Close call," squeaked Peter.

Remus was already waiting for the other Marauders in potions and mouthed a "you're very late" as they took their seats round the table. James mouthed back a "fuck off" before trying to focus his attention on Professor Slughorn’s ramblings. It looked like the next few lessons would focus on healing potions and Slughorn was standing over a thick, grey, foul looking potion meant to help sedate the patient and heal any small open wounds.

"Students, I will be partnering you up today for I must say this potion is a little difficult to tackle alone," the professor was saying. The Marauders groaned for Slughorn always gave the worst partners and in James' six years at Hogwarts, he and Sirius had never worked on a potion together. He waited until his name was called in dread of who he might have to endure for the next hour. Sirius was partnered with some blond, pretty-looking Hufflepuff and winked at James as he left the table.

“Lucky bugger," he muttered to himself under his breath. Poor Peter was partnered with a very angry looking Slytherin who James recognised as one of Snape's friends and Remus looked pleased when he was partnered with Alice.

"James Potter and Lily Evans," Slughorn announced. James smirked to himself - this would be interesting and at least he didn't have to worry about falling asleep from boredom. He picked up his books and went to join a scowling Lily at her table.

"Evans," he greeted her, running a hand through his hair.

"Potter," she replied, opening her potions book and reading the list of ingredients they would need.

"Friendly as always," he smirked.

"Well it is always such a pleasure, " she said with a sarcastic smile. They worked in silence for the first 20 minutes or so, until the repetitive drumming of Lily's fingers on the table, was increasingly irritating James to the point he could no longer take it. _Tap, tap, tap._

"Will you please cut that out," he asked, more harshly than he had intended.

"What?” She looked confused.

"The fingers." He imitated the action.

"Right. Sorry." However, after a few minutes, Lily returned to drumming her fingers on the table. _Tap, tap, tap_.

"Spit it out then,” James said as he squeezed the juice of a mandrake-root into the potion.

"Spit what out?" Lily answered defensively.

"Something is obviously bothering you."

"And why would I tell you about it."

"So you can stop your incessant tapping on the table and I'll stop having the urge to hex you." She scowled back at him. There was silence for a moment.

"Look I'm sorry for how I snapped at you this morning. I know we kinda enjoy getting on each other’s nerves, but I took it too far for putting the whole pureblood-muggleborn argument between us."

"You enjoy making me annoyed, Evans?"

"For Merlin's sake Potter, just accept my apology." James grinned.

"Of course, apology accepted. But I do understand your anger. The news is threatening. It makes me ready to hex someone."

"That’s exactly it though. I feel like everyone is getting scared by the news, by the increasing number of deaths caused by Death Eaters and by the big, scary man himself, Voldemort. But I'm angry. I'm ready to fight, y’know.” Lily's eyes were wide, her gaze impassioned. James smiled at her.

“I understand," he added, not wanting to distract her from something she was clearly motivated by.

"But there is nothing I can do. I just have to sit here, reading about other muggleborn witches, like me, being killed and even innocent muggles like my parents. I'm powerless."

"You've never thought about becoming an Auror?”

"Well, no offence to anyone who does, but it takes years to train and we don't have years. I don't feel like the ministry has enough power to defeat what ever the Death Eaters have in store; politics can be used as a weapon, easily manipulated by even Voldemort himself. The fight needs to come from the people, y'know?" She looked at James and realised the look of surprise on his face. He noted that this was probably the longest conversation they have had with each other without hurling insults back and forth.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to put this on you. I didn't mean to get sidetracked,” Lily said quickly, tucking a stand of red hair behind her ear and turning attention to the potion in front of them.

"You know," James said, ignoring Lily's apology, "there are many volunteer fighting-groups out there, like witches and wizards who don't fight for the money but for the politics. They have other jobs at the same time and they kinda fight undercover without ministry intervention."

“That sounds brilliant." Her eyes had lit up.

"Yeah it does, doesn't it. Me and Sirius want to join one as soon as we graduate next year."

"I didn't think you would be interested in that kind-off thing.”

"Oh," he smirked, running a hand through his hair, “just cause I don't read obnoxiously political books on a train, doesn't mean I'm not interested in what is going on in the Wizarding world.” Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"Seeing as you are an ‘arrogant man-child’ with a rich daddy, I thought you might just sit around and spend his money on booze with Sirius if you two ever graduate. But, I admit it, I was surprisingly wrong."

"And I was wrong thinking we were finally going to have a conversation without insulting each other. But I'm glad I surprise you, Evans." Lily playfully punched his arm.

"Seriously though James, thank you for listening. Not many want to hang around for my political rants." She had called him by his first name. The skin prickled on the back of his neck and he couldn't help but smile.

"No problem,” he paused, "and Evans, truce?" He extended his hand. Lily raised her eyebrows.

"Truce." She echoed, shaking his hand. James' stomach flipped, ever so slightly.

By the time Friday rolled around, almost every 6th year and a few 7th years were going to Lucas Waterstones back-to-school party. When the Marauders showed up, the Room of Requirement, which has transformed itself into a dark room decorated with colourful lights, was already crowded with slightly tipsy students and the distinct smell of firewhisky floated in the air.

“First party of the school year,” said Sirius, upon entering, “Glad to be back at it, huh, Prongs.” James nodded in agreement. It was no secret that the Marauders were big partiers, usually hosting many of their own in the Gryffindor common room. They embraced the party culture in a way that created a kind of fun that always made them popular invites. Simply put, if the Marauders were not there, it was not a party. Sirius was obviously the most passionate partier out of all four and tonight he had come decked with 2 bottles of firewhisky, a slightly dusty bottle of red current rum he had stolen from the Hogwarts kitchens, and James’ pack of cigarettes that he too regularly stole from his dad.

"Please don't go overboard tonight Padfoot. I don't think any of us want to carry you back to the dorm room," sighed Perus, as Sirius took a swig of firewhisky. "Yes, Dad." Sirius rolled his grey eyes, whistled to a pretty Ravenclaw girl and swaggered over to join her on the dance floor.

As the evening progressed, James found himself rather tipsy and dancing with a sweet, Hufflepuff named Daisy Duchamp. The dance floor was only becoming more crowded, so the pair were dancing rather closely to each other and James found his hands around her waist. He admitted to himself that despite the fact he was used to attracting girls at parties, Daisy did not possess the usual desperation to be with ‘the James Potter’, which girls usually had around him. Instead, she appeared to enjoy dancing with him; her golden blonde hair swishing to the beat of the music and a small smile in her blue eyes gazing up at him. When the song finished, a small mousy girl came to tell Daisy that their friend was throwing up in the bathrooms. Daisy offered James an apologetic look, untangled herself from James’ arms and weaved her way out of the around.

"I need another drink," James whispered to himself, navigating himself to the table of mixers and hoping Sirius had not consumed all the firewhisky. Just as he was trying to concoct a drink that was bearable to drunk, mixing a strange green, apple-smelling liquid with his whisky, a voice called his name.

"Potter," it slurred. He turned around to see a very drunk Lily Evans standing before him. Her bright red hair, which she had probably straightened earlier in the evening, now hung down her back in messy waves, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were gorgeously decorated in dark blue eyeshadow. Her body, who’s skin glowed in the colourful lights, was dressed in a silk black top which revealed a dangerous amount of skin and flared, low-cut jeans. James blinked. Fuck, she was stunning.

"Evans, I see you are enjoying yourself." He ran a hand through his hair, hiding his amazement at her appearance with a smirk.

“Yep. I'm drunk. Very drunk."

"I can see that."

"Don't you dare judge me, Potter. You and Sirius are always drunk. Also, you’re my friend now. Friends don't judge each other."

"Am I?" He was enjoying making her attempt to talk despite the obvious fuzzing of her brain and the blank look in her eyes.

"Yes, you are. We shook on it, remember?" she said, stumbling over her words.

"I do," he smiled at her, "do I have to get you to sign a legal document though, to make sure you don't go back on your word?"

"No, I can't be bothered to fight you anymore Potter." Lily sighed heavily. “

So I won," he smirked at her, "I annoyed you so much into becoming my friend."

“Hmmm... But you are going to have to work harder for the whole girlfriend thing," she slurred.

"Am I?" he grinned back.

"Stop making me answer questions. Come.” Lily dragged James back onto the dance floor, taking his hand. When she let him go, his palm was still tingling. They danced to the upbeat song, Lily's green eyes sparkling in the darkness. She looked utterly carefree, her hair wild, her face glowing and her hips moving gracefully in time with the beat. James could have watched her forever, but instead he took a mental picture of this moment in his mind. The next song was a gentle one and before James could suggest they exit the dance floor, Lily's arms were around his shoulders, her head resting near his own and he could smell her cinnamon shampoo. His heart was beating very fast but he let her stay there as they rocked back and forth to the slow rhythm of the music. In the drunken darkness this did not feel real that after all these years Lily chose to dance with him tonight. He looked down at her and her green eyes were staring straight back at him. He could suddenly feel the warmth of her breath on his face, the smell of the mint-chocolate liqueur she must have been drinking. Her hair was touching his neck now and he could feel her heart beating in time with his own frantic one. His forehead tingled as she leaned closer, their faces almost touching. However her eyes were glazed over from alcohol and he realised that in the morning she would regret this.

"Lily,” he murmured, pulling away, "I need to get you to you friends." He needed a cigarette. Now.

After locating a rather tipsy Dorcus, he went to get some air. The courtyard at night was, according to James, the most beautiful part of the Hogwarts. The dark shadows clouding the castle, it's silhouette the against the deep blue sky. The pale light of the moon illuminating the white marble statue in the middle of the grass lawn and shining through the intricate patterns of the stone decorating the castle, causing white specks of moonlight on the grass to mirror the stars in the sky. The eeriness of the empty pathways which are usually crowded during the day and now appear haunted by shadows. It made James feel hidden from the rest of the world, hidden from his thoughts. He pulled a packet of cigarettes out from the pocket of his jeans and lit one. He lay down in the grass and watched the smoke curl and dance in the night air. It took over his thoughts as it gradually blended into the sky above him, the foggy white being replaced by a sparkling blue.

"I gathered you needed some fresh air too?" It was Daisy.

"Yeah," he replied, breathing out a puff of smoke. She didn't talk, she just lay down next to him and they stayed their together for a while in silence. Once his cigarette was finished, James turned to look at her.

"Was it getting boring helping your friend throw up her night?" He smirked at her. Daisy laughed, a genuine laugh that made James smile.

"God yes. You can only see so much vomit in one night."

"You didn't feel like returning to the party then?"

"My dance partner had left by then."

"Had he really? What a dick." She laughed again.

"Yeah the cheek he had to not stick around. So un-gentleman-like." They were both staring into each other's eyes.

"The level of gentlemanly-ness of a bloke is a deal breaker for you then?"

"Nah." And then she was kissing him, her warm, cherry flavoured lips moving softly against his. And he kissed her back because for the first time in a long time he was not wishing Daisy was Lily. He moved his hands down her back, feeling her skin prickle beneath his hands. She in turn moved her hands through his hair with an anticipation that made him excited. This felt right and God, she could kiss really well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Readers,  
> I hope you enjoyed. Please review!
> 
> Love to you all and Happy New Year.


	3. is there anything better than sex?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All credits to JK.

Lily was slowly disintegrating into a mess. Even her friends knew it. But at the top of her worry-list was the fear that her teachers had noticed their straight-A student and perfect prefect was handing in homework that had hurriedly been completed the night before or forgetting to pay attention in class until they called her out for staring out the window at the whomping willow. What Lily had avoided telling anyone - as she had this rather self-sabotaging habit of burying her emotions - was that her mum was ill, really ill and despite it being untreatable with muggle medicine, not even magic could help her. She would die and Lily didn’t know what to do. She just knew the last thing she would do, was tell anyone. 

What was even worse (well maybe not worse) was that she had almost snogged James Potter last Friday. Obviously drunk Lily could not be trusted for sober Lily would never have made such a ridiculous move as trying to kiss the person she hated the most. But she couldn’t shake the inevitable feeling that she didn’t hate James Potter, in fact she was rather unsure about how she felt about him. Luckily it had been the weekend and Lily had spent the majority of it, lying in her bed with the curtains drawn reading Witch Weekly, which she had never cared for before but had suddenly felt the need to read about such mundanity as the latest hairstyle of the lead singer for The Witch Whistlers. Because of this unproductivity, she now had an inordinate amount of homework that she needed to complete and could thus hide away in the library for the rest of the week. 

“Lily, as much as I see the appeal of spending the rest of your life listening to music and eating chocolate frogs in bed, I think you should come down to breakfast,” said Mary, breaking Lily out of deep thought. 

“But look, I’m stuck,” she sighed dramatically in return. Mary simply rolled her eyes. 

“C’mon, Jade is finally out of the shower, you can wash for the first time in what looks like forever.”

“You do flatter me,” Lily replied, scowling. Mary was right though, she could not lie here forever. Grabbing her Gryffindor robes, she sulked into the bathroom. She let the shower run cold, rinsing her face from the two-day old mascara and the sticky residue of tears. The water ran down her back, causing her skin to prickle under its chill and she shuddered. Closing her eyes, she saw her mother’s eyes, green and identical to her own staring back at her. 

“Mama,” she whispered to herself, “what am I going to do?”

After dressing, she barely knew how to tackle the tangled curls of her red hair and decided in plaiting it in a long braid down her back. She did a light covering of foundation and blush to hide her tired face and coated her lashes in a fresh layer of mascara. Looking back at her reflection in the mirror she saw her usual face, the button nose dusted in layers of light brown freckles, the plump pink lips. But someone unfamiliar was also staring back; someone who’s cheekbones were growing more gaunt as time progressed, grey shadow creeping into the sides of their face, light draining from their eyes and the slight crinkle of a smile that had been a constant among the freckles was gone. She sighed and crossed her fingers, hoping no one would notice that Lily was disintegrating slowly. 

Walking into the great hall, Lily saw a scene that she didn’t expect to anger her as it did. James Potter snogging (in a way that left little to the imagination) Daisy Duchamp at the Gryffindor breakfast table. Somehow seeing his tongue down her throat made an agitation flare up deep inside her and her brain began forming all sorts of insults for the mousy haired Hufflepuff on the receiving end of his affections. Shaking her head, she pushed these thoughts to the very back of her mind and joined her friends. 

“Finally, you are up,” Dorcus said. 

“Believe it or not, I sadly still need to show up for class,” Lily mumbled in reply. 

“Seriously though Lily, are you ok?” Marlene asked with a well-intentioned look of concern. 

“I’m fine. Just tired,” she said with little emotion. Marlene gave her a weak smile. 

“Still hungover, are we?” Dorcus snorted. 

“Shut up, I didn’t get that drunk.”

“I would not be surprised if you had a hangover for the rest of your life. You were utterly wasted on Friday night. We literally carried you to our dorm.”

“Luckily I can’t remember any of that.” 

“Oi Evans, you still look real rough.” Lily looked over at the Marauders, where the voice had come from, and caught a pair of silver eyes staring in her direction. 

“They know?” she whispered in desperation to her friends. 

“James literally helped drag you off the dance floor,” Dorcus replied, ever the comforting friend. Lily blushed. 

“I really don’t need the judgement of Hogwart’s ‘number 1 partier’ who, according to my recollection, is literally always hungover,” she addressed Sirius. 

“Thank you for the title. Do you think you could make me a trophy?” He winked at her. 

“I think all your empty firewhisky bottles are trophy enough.”

“Touché Evans, touché. Mind you I don’t think it was only firewhisky you were intoxicated by.”

“You were monitoring what I was drinking then, Sirius?” His grey eyes sparkled dangerously back at her. 

“I seem to recall you drinking in old prongs over here,” he replied, nudging James, who had stopped snogging Daisy and was now focused on the breakfast in front of him. Lily blushed again. 

“I don’t remember any of it,” she said quickly. 

“Ah, but the beauty of being drunk Evans is that often one makes decisions that reveal a little bit too much of the truth than one would usually let on if they were sober. Perhaps it’s a testament to you and Prong’s growing friendship, or maybe a testament to more.” He raised his eyebrows, suggestively. 

“But you forget Padfoot,” James spoke up with an unusually straight face, “I was basically sober that night. How can we be sure I meant any of it?” 

“Ooft Evans, unrequited love,” Sirius smirked. Lily felt the hot sting of tears behind her eyes. Why did James have to humiliate her when only the other day they had agreed to some sort of friendship? 

“Fuck of Potter,” she hid her hurt behind her bitter voice, “I thought we had called a truce.”

“Aw Evans, you seriously believe I meant that,” James stared at her, his gaze unrelenting. She was well and truly angry now. 

“If you want to play it like that,” she snarled, “I guess I’d have to ask myself why I ever wanted to be friends with a fucking bully in the first place. I haven’t forgotten how you treated Snape.” For a second there was a glimpse of fear in James’ eyes but the icy glare soon returned. 

“Yeah that’s right, run back to Snivellus.” James casually ran a hand through his jet black hair as Lily almost gasped. Her friends were looking at her with wide eyes and even Sirius looked surprised at the turn this conversation had taken. 

“Potter, what is your damn problem?” But she didn’t give him time to reply since she turned on her heel and walked right out of the hall. He had never been that hurtful, that crushing. She felt as if someone had offered to help her up a staircase before preceding to knock her down at full force. And she had almost kissed that bastard. She had almost wanted to kiss that bastard. Did she still want to kiss him? 

“Shut that mind the fuck up Lily Evans. You will never show Potter any kindness ever again,” she whispered furiously to herself. 

The week passed quickly as Lily sunk into a isolated pattern of studying in her dorm to avoid the busy chatter of the library, small visits to the great hall that were short enough to avoid any conversations and quick exits from her classes. She was particularly desperate to avoid any run-ins with the Marauders for she had enough to worry about and the memory of James Potter’s icy glare and sharp voice had to be the least of her concerns. Any time she walked through the Gryffindor common room where he would be laughing with the Marauders, his arm slung around Daisy's shoulder, she would quickly hurry up to her dorm and distract herself from storming back down the staircase and slapping his smug face, by reading the Daily prophet (which she now avoided reading at breakfast as to limit her time around people) and directed her anger towards the war instead. By the time Friday rolled around, Lily had managed to isolate herself effectively, whilst continuing to persuade her friends that she was fine and certainly did not need any help, just a ‘little' alone time. However, this meant the usually very observant Lily failed to notice two very important details. Firstly, James' gaze followed her everytime she entered and exited a room, a very concerned frown crinkled into his brows. Secondly, Dorcus was developing a small, barely noticeable to the regular eye, crush.

The Dorcus Meadowes, who didn't believe in love, who didn't waste her time on being friendly, who refused to ever apologise, had found her chest fluttering when a particular 6th year boy was around. It had started when on Tuesday this week she had been partnered with him in potions. His general air of carelessness and his incredibly witty jokes in reference to Slughorn had defied Dorcus' general belief that all boys were mind-numbingly irritating and perhaps caused her to crack a small smile. He had then casually joined her in the library the next day, plunking himself down opposite her and started working on a transfiguration essay while whispering cheeky insults about the 'study freaks' around them. She had never seen him in the library before, let alone doing homework and thus, a small thought in her brain arose wondering whether the reason he had been there was for her. The rest of the week, she found herself looking forward to breakfast and dinner in the great hall where he was guaranteed to be there. It would be hard to have noticed Dorcus' nerves whenever he was near and the general excitement which she had been exhibiting during the week for Dorcus hid any of her emotions through a distinct mask of grumpiness and this week she had just appeared more grumpy than usual. She particularly didn't want anyone to find out that she of all people had a crush and certainly wanted no one to know who she had the said crush on. She hated the collective swooning that girls often displayed over boys and unfortunately this boy attracted the majority of the girls in the school. That is that Dorcus Meadowes had a crush on Sirius Black and sadly, so did everyone else.

After walking back from dinner with Marlene and Mary on Friday evening, Dorcus found herself alone in the Gryffindor common room. Often her and Lily, both the girls with insomnia in their dorm, would spend the late hours of the night and sometimes the early hours of morning reading in firelight and silence. Today, Dorcus had found a sleeping Lily, who had most likely returned from the library and collapsed without dinner, tucked into her bed, fast asleep. So here she was, sitting by herself and flicking through Lily's copy of today's Daily Prophet. As she read the headlines the second time today and considered that perhaps running away, hiding from this inevitable war, would be easier then staying to fight, the staircase creaked under someone's footsteps.

"You're up late,” Sirius Black was saying as he approached her. She looked up at his tall muscular figure, his shoulder length black hair, his silver eyes that constantly looked like he was smirking and something deep within her flushed warm. Why did it have to be him that made her feel like that?

"So are you,” she replied, trying to make her voice as steady and emotionless as it usually was. 

"That is true. I'm on my way to the kitchens, want to come?" She hid her shock at asking her off all people to come with him. 

"No, I'm busy. Why can't you drag Potter along with you? You guys are attached at the hips anyway."

"Can't. He's off somewhere with Daisy," he winked, "the cheek of that man to ditch his best friend and the promise of food for sex."

"I can't blame him. I would say sex is better than your company."

"I'm going to have to prove you wrong then," Sirius said with his hand outstretched, offering to help her up. She found herself taking it. His hand, rough from years of quidditch, was suddenly within her own smaller hand and her skin tingled from his touch, the warmth within her only increasing. She quickly pulled it back once she had stood up and tried to forget the slight raise in his eyebrows. Following him out of the portrait hole, there was a comfortable silence between them as they found their way to the kitchen.

"Welcome to your destination, m’lady,” Sirius announced as he led them through the kitchen entrance, his arms outstretched. Dorcus punched him in the arm.

“Don’t call me ‘lady'."

"Ow,” he pretended to whimper.

“You deserved that."

"Ever so feisty," he smirked. She scowled back at him, but on the inside Dorcus was trying very hard not to push him against the nearest wall and snog him until both their lips were numb. She wondered for a brief second whether he felt it too.

"If you are going to continue to insult me, I will leave," she went to turn around.

Sirius grabbed her arm, "No, stay please." Their eyes caught, dark brown meeting silver and from the breathlessness in Sirius’ voice, Dorcus knew they had an understanding. He broke their gaze, releasing his grip on her arm, leaving a light imprint of fingernails on her soft skin. Dorcus found herself missing his touch. 

"You have to try the lasagna," he said, his tone softer than before. A small house-elf, who appeared very friendly with Sirius for its large eyes lit up when it saw him, came out with a plate of food. 

"Thank you, Dotty," he bent down to give the house elf a hug. 

"Sirius,” she squeaked in return, "you should have let me know you had company, I would have made more.”

"Don't worry about it. Who said I was willing to share the magical experience of eating your lasagna?" He winked at the house-elf who chuckled.

"You better make sure he lets you have some.” Dotty was now addressing Dorcus.

"I will duel him for it,” she replied with a small smile to the house-elf.

"Well, I'll leave you to it,” Dotty said as she disappeared with a loud crack.

"Dig in then,” Sirius said, handing her a fork. They ate and Dorcus lossed herself in her late night hunger and the warm lasagna in front of her. After a while she spoke up.

"I didn't expect this."

"You mean a person with a pureblood upbringing being friends with house-elves."

"No, I know you're not like that." Sirius' eyes flooded with relief for a second. "I meant,' continued Dorcus, "you being so gentle and... I don't know... thoughtful."

"Really?" he smirked, “my bad boy reputation has got you thinking I'm utterly heartless."

"Heartless? No. But, inconsiderate? Yes."

"I guess a ‘considerate bad boy' doesn't work though, does it? I wouldn't be as attractive."

Before she could stop herself, Dorcus replied, "I beg to differ." Sirius raised his eyebrows at her as her stomach clouded with butterflies. His silver eyes scanned her face, trying to read her expression. He lent towards her, a musty fragrance of wood and rosemary filled her nose.

"Stop me if I'm wrong," he whispered, his warm breath raising the hairs on her neck.  
Suddenly, he was kissing her, roughly, his hands firmly around her face, his tongue already in her mouth. Dorcus moaned against him, kissing him back with the same fierceness, surprised that he had made the move. She felt him smirk against her lips at her enthusiasm but she could not hide how eagerly she wanted him for she had never been so intoxicated by passion before. He ground against her, moving to kiss her neck and she responded by wrapping her legs around his waist, seating herself on the kitchen bench. They fingered at each other's shirts until she could run her hands up and down his toned chest and he could kiss her open collarbones and make hickies on her breasts. They worked fast as he moved his mouth down her body, her skin prickling as he undid her bra, her bare nipples hardening as a warmth between her legs only became stronger. She was now entirely naked in front of him. She fumbled at his belt and his breath hitched as she purposely slid over his growing erection. Dorcus cursed herself in her head as even though she had sworn to never fall for a boy, here she was, totally undone in front of Sirius Black, ready to let him have her. But she couldn’t help but wonder how many other girls he had fucked in the kitchens.

“I guess Potter was right,” she whispered, breathlessly, “sex is better than food.” 

Lily woke up on Saturday morning with a groan. Today was this week’s prefect meeting and she would have to face Remus. She had tactically avoided all the Marauders ever since her embarrassing fight with James. Pulling herself out of bed, she grabbed a deep green suede skirt and a cream polo-neck sweater and headed into the bathroom. Passing Dorcus’ bed she remembered Dorcus sneaking into the dorm very early this morning, when everyone else was still asleep (but Lily was wide awake, plagued by a busy mind) and thus she made a mental note to ask her about it later. She took a cold shower. It was becoming a routine to use the shock of the temperature to numb her sleepless mind and shake awake her exhausted body. 

Somehow she made it on time to the prefect meeting and took a seat at the back. Five minutes later, a very flustered Remus walked in late and sat next to Lily.

"Hey Lily,” he greeted her.

"Hey." She kept her gaze focused on the head boy talking to the group. She felt Remus studying her but he didn't try and talk to her until the meeting had ended.

"Look, I just wanted to say I don't support Prongs... I mean James... with all the decisions he makes and I will always be here for you, Lily. I am your friend... well, only if you want of course."

"Thank you Remus," Lily replied, "trust me Potter is the least of my worries." That was a small white lie.

"He didn't mean it though. He’s worried about you, I know he is."

"How could he have not meant it?" Lily sighed, “look, he's a prick.. I know he’s your friend and all... but he's an absolute prick. I honestly don’t care what he’s thinking about me."

"James is complicated. He's not easy to read but he's one of the best people I know. Just try and talk to him, won't you?" Lily scoffed.

"I tried becoming his friend this year. I put aside all our childish bickering to be his friend. Actually, I even started to like him. But I'm not going to try and build bridges with someone who wants to be a bully." Remus gave her a sad smile.

"Ok, well I’m always here if you need to talk. And...." Remus pointed at a piece of parchment on the wall, "it looks like we are doing the rounds together."

"See you then."

"Take care Lily." She wandered off to the library. She may not have her brain organised, hell her life wasn't even together, but this transfiguration essay would be completed on time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Readers,   
> Hope you enjoyed chapter 3. I enjoyed experimenting with Dorcus’ perspective and will probably continue to play with other characters’ perspectives, not just James’ and Lily’s. 
> 
> Yes, Lily and James are really not getting on at the moment but I promise it all works out in the end. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Please review. Reviews are definitely better than sex! 
> 
> Love to you all.


	4. i just want you to know who i am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Once again all ownership to JK. Also, credits and a thank-you to The Goo Goo Dolls for the chapter title.

James had royally fucked up. He knew it but he would not admit it. He could not even explain to Sirius, who had very angrily lectured him about what an 'absolute dick’ he had been to Lily, why he had acted the way he had as he didn't know how. He could not even put it into words within his own head. Something had come over him, a complex anger fuelled by long hidden and long suppressed feelings for Lily. She had teased him that night, used her drunken oblivilance to lead him on, knowing full well that he would always give in to her and she would only ever give into him as a joke. She had probably laughed over it with her friends and laughed at him to herself. Therefore, he had decided in that moment as he sat in the great hall staring into her emerald eyes that he could not be friends with her, he could only ever love her. And if she was going to play with his heart, he wasn’t going to pretend to be only her friends. Lily Evans hated him, always had done, always will do and he was stupid to think she would have ever wanted to kiss him.

The Marauders began to sit far away from any sixth years during breakfast and dinner in the great hall, with James eager to escape the hurt that would flicker across Lily's face when she saw him, even if it was only for half a second. Sirius was also trying to avoid a particular someone, only to in fact appear less keen than he really felt, and Remus and Peter had simply shrugged and accepted the unexplained behaviour of their friends. James attempted to resume his and Lily’s aggressive banter that they had maintained over the years, but she didn't reciprocate with the same desire to return to normality. She had changed the way she treated him and a bitterness and disappointment hung to her words. This new hate was different - there was a sense of betrayal in her eyes as she sent back cold responses to his teasing. Even though he could tell that this time things were different, that unspoken feelings had arisen making their relationship a puzzle that could not be pieced together the same as it had before, but James would rather have Lily hate him than not think of him at all.

Most of all, James tried to distract himself from Lily by spending as much time with Daisy as possible. She took him somewhere far away, to the land of sunshine and little yellow buttercups. Her smiles were golden and her eyes were sunny, and for moments of his day when she kissed him, he felt young again, undisturbed by the world around him. He knew it was wrong to lead her on as perhaps she liked him a lot more than he liked her, but he did fancy her and maybe he would eventually return her affections. At least she did not remind him of Lily and took him far away from the emerald caves Lily created for him to get lost within. 

However, On Wednesday, when Lily received a detention (probably her first) in Charms for Professor Flitwick noticed her staring out the window and subsequently failing to start any of the class work, James realised he finally had a chance to get Lily on her own. He felt desperate to watch her around him, try to read whatever she could be feeling when he was around without any distractions. He stood up arubtly, when there was still about 20 minutes of class left, and announced rather loudly that he was going for a fag.

"Mr Potter.. What... Have you finished the essay?" Flitwick spluttered angrily in return."

"Nope."

"Well then, sit right back down. There is still much of the lesson left. You are certainly not dismissed."

"If I recall, Professor, I don't think I asked to be dismissed." James grinned and began walking to the door.

"Potter, if you don't return to your seat right this instance, it is a Friday detention." Flitwick had turned a very frustrated tone of red.

"I don't have any objections."

"Then you can join Miss Evans." James then turned to stare directly into a pair of cold green eyes that were already fixed upon him.

"Looking forward to it,” he said directly to Lily. And there he had it, a 'date' with Evans. He walked out onto the grounds, staring out at the lake and lit a cigarette.

Friday came quickly and soon James found himself walking to his charms classroom to join Lily for their detention. He had sat through countless detentions through the years and they had begun to be something that he simply expected, aimlessly sat through, but this particular detention he was a strange mix of both excited and very nervous. The look on Lily's face as he walked into the room, despite trying to appear blank and unbothered, seemed, he thought as her green eyes widened at the site of him, scared. What of, he wondered; perhaps of the wicked things that would inevitably be said between them tonight. His stomach churned, he couldn't handle hurting Lily, not really.

"Evans, beautiful night tonight."

“This is not some chat session, Potter. This is detention. I’m not forced to talk to you.”

“You just did.”

“I said forced. Not forbidden.”

“So you chose to speak to me. You wanted to speak to me.” He grinned at her but she didn’t look at him and instead sighed with frustration and rubbed her temples. He noticed the dark circles hanging under her green eyes that had lost their light these past few weeks, the paleness of her cheeks which were usually flushed red and the whiteness of her hands as they massaged her forehead. It suddenly struck him that she had descended into a new quieter self, one less fiery, one who had stopped listening in class and folded in on its self, and that it may be caused by the frustration he held at his own feelings that he was undoubtedly taking out in her. When had there relationship gone past simple understanding and dived deep within confusion? He stopped grinning and waited in silence for Professor Flitwick to arrive. 

“Students,” the small wizard said as he entered the room, “I hope you have given the reason you are sitting in Friday detention a good think. Evans, I did not expect this from you. You are above detention, my dear. And Potter, if I have to give you another detention this semester I may kick you out of my class altogether. If you continue to forget to act like a sixth year and pretend that you have not in fact grown up, then you don’t deserve to learn.” He looked at the pair of them. James glanced over at Lily. She looked defeated.   
“Evans, you have to write the line: ‘I must pay attention’ 100 times. Potter, you must do the same with the line: ‘I must grow up’,” the Professor continued, “And you must use these muggle quills that cannot be charmed in any form. Am I clear?” They both nodded. “Good, I will leave you to it. The door will not let you out unless you have written your 100 lines. You may talk, but remember that will take up time and there is not bathroom in this room.” With that, Flitwick gave them a stern glare and left. They both sat in silence for about half an hour with the only noise being their quills scratching against the parchment. 

“James,” Lily spoke up, startling him for he had not expected her to address him, “why did you do it?”

“I thought this was detention, not a chat session,” he replied quickly, reflecting the question. She rolled her eyes. 

“I’m serious.”

“Do what, then?”

“Out right humiliating me in front of our friends and dismissing the friendship truce, that may I remind you, you offered.” She hadn’t held back. James gulped. 

“Look, Lily, we can’t be friends, can we?” 

“Why not?” He just stared at her, hoping he didn’t have to answer why. She held his gaze, eventually answering herself, “I see.”

“Do you?” he asked. 

“Yes, you enjoy bullying people.” He opened his mouth to defend himself, she had gotten this wrong, very wrong, but she cut him off quickly, “In fact, I don’t care Potter. Your pea-sized brain only hurts people, and I don’t feel like being hurt today. I don’t even know why I bothered to ask.” She went back to writing her lines, the sound of her quill angrily scratching away filling the room. After some more heavy silence between them, James mustered the courage to speak. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure you are,” she muttered into her parchment, not looking up from her lines. 

“I’m serious. I can see you are more affected by what I said then I thought.” She stared back at him now. 

“And what do you mean by that?” Her tone was harsher than he had expected. It took him a moment to know how to reply. 

“You look more tired than usual.”

“Do I really?” She was glaring at him now, a flash of anger in her green eyes. 

“Yeah,” he said quietly, his reply coming out as more of a question than a statement. 

“And you really believe that has anything to do with you? God, you are so arrogant,” she spat back at him, “‘Lily looks so sad and that must be because of me.’ Wake up Potter, I have other shit happening in my life that has nothing to do with your foul mouth.” 

“Oh, right, of course.” He stuttered, not knowing how to reply to her fury. 

“And apologising doesn’t just automatically save our relationship. I’m not just suddenly going to become your friend again because you woke up today and decided you were going to say sorry.”

“I didn’t expect you too. I just wanted you to know that I do regret it.”

“Well, your apology is not accepted,” Lily retorted back stubbornly and returned to writing her lines again. After a moment of silence, James found himself asking her a question. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” His voice sounded too loud amongst the quiet. 

“What?”

“Whatever has you down.”

“Why would I talk to you?”

“I figured you’d say that but...,” he paused, “you should tell someone and maybe they shouldn’t be a friend if you’re avoiding the pity.”

“I’m not avoiding the pity,” Lily interjected forcefully. 

“Why haven’t you talked to your friends then?”

“Maybe I have. How would you know?” James stared at her as if the answer was obvious. 

“The very fact you used the word ‘maybe’ shows you haven’t.... and I know you’re the kind of person that bottles shit up.”

“As if you know what kind of person I am,” she said as she rolled her eyes at him. 

“Very well then, keep the lid on your bottle.” A long pause passed between them. The room had grown dark as the sun had set around them and afternoon had become evening. James had almost finished his lines. 

“My mother’s dying,” Lily said quietly and quickly, as if hoping no one would hear, “there, I finally said it out loud.” James waited a few moments before replying. 

“Lily, I’m... I’m so sorry.”

“You said you would not pity me.”

“I wasn’t pitying you.”

“And don’t you dare tell anyone.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.” Silence followed. James broke it after a minute or so. 

“You know my parent piss me off the majority of the time. They fight continuously. Then my dad moves out one week and moves back in the next week, and my mum acts as if she doesn’t notice or as if she doesn’t care. But I hear her crying sometimes, even though she tries to hide it from me. I even hear my dad sobbing in his study during the periods he’s actually home.” Lily was staring at him now, her gaze focused intensely upon him. “My point is that even though they probably aren’t the best parents, I couldn’t imagine losing one of them.” 

“I can’t imagine it yet either.” 

“No I guess you can’t. You shouldn’t have to.”

“I don’t know though. Sometimes I think there is meaning behind the timing of events. Like perhaps there is a spirit within my mother being called to a better place.” James gave her a very quizzical look. “Don’t tell me you don’t believe in anything spiritual?.”

“No I don’t. But believe in what brings you comfort I guess.”

“James Potter, trust me, when death confronts you in one form or another, you will wish you believed in something other than the material world.” He laughed at that. 

“Maybe I will, but it sounds like a pile of rubbish to me.”

“You’re a wonderful person to confide in, you know,” Lily replied sarcastically. James grinned at her. He watched her green eyes sparkle auburn in the candle light, becoming lost in her gaze. She was beautiful sitting there, with her hair alight as if it were on fire and a pink flush amidst her freckles. His stomach fluttered and he wished it didn’t, but it always has and always would. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Lily suddenly asked him, drawing him from his thoughts. 

“Like what?” he quickly deflected, knowing exactly what she meant. 

“Like... like you want...” she stopped herself, “never mind, I’ve finished my lines so I guess I’ll go back to hating you now.” Lily smiled weakly at him, gathered her bag and walked to the door. 

“Wait,” James found himself saying as he stood up to approach her, “I can’t... I can’t be...” He lost the courage to finish his sentence. I can’t be your friend because I love you. He was really close to her now, his skin tingling and a growing feeling of want expanding in his chest as his eyes focused on her lips. He suddenly could feel a twitch of desire between his legs and quickly stood back. What was he doing? Running a hand through his hair, he continued, “never mind.” A lot of words had almost been said today but most of them had died on the tongue, before reaching the air. Lily looked at him with a frown stamped on her brows. 

“Right, I’ll be off” She sounded out of breath and her words shook slightly. 

“Yes,” was all he could reply. 

James, however had not been the only Marauder thinking about a sixth year girl. Sirius could not get Dorcus off his mind. The image of her deep brown eyes were permanently imprinted on the background of his mind. His fingers could still feel the softness of her skin, the curves of her body and the warmth of her that had reminded him how alive he was. But Sirius never got attached to the girls he ‘fucked’ and thus he kept trying to claim that the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach every time she walked in the room was due to memories of good sex, rather than actual feelings. He could not tell any of the Marauders, particularly not James, for he feared they would only point out what he feared most: that Dorcus was different to all the other girls he’d fucked, that he liked her (and that he had taken her down to the kitchens, which he had never done with another girl). Sirius was therefore battling these strange new feelings alone and was in complete denial. He tried to avoid her for the most part and ignored her if she was in the same room, but most of the time he found himself watching her. This had only brought to his attention her casual disregard for him as if what had passed between them last week had in fact not happened at all, which in turn caused him to worry that she did not share the same sort of feelings. Had the sex been bad? Did she regret it? God, Sirius Black’s head was a complete mess over a girl and it had never been before. 

“You’re avoiding me,” Sirius said as he slid next to Dorcus in Potions on Monday. He had decided, against his better judgement and only in hopes of calming his unusually frantic brain down, to confront her. 

“Am I?” was the blunt response she returned. 

“Yes, why?”

“I wasn’t, I’ve been busy.”

“Really? I doubt that.”

“I’ve had classes and homework and assignments. Forgive me if you were not on the top of my list,” she said whilst smirking at him. 

“Ah but at least I’m on your list.” He mirrored her smirk in reply. 

“Are you?” Her eyes stared directly into his, a glint of mischief in their deep brown. She was challenging him. 

“I better be.” She lent into him, his lips tingling as her warm breath tickled his cheek. He would have snogged her there and then if they had not been in potions. 

“Meet me after dinner in the kitchens,” she whispered into his ear. Sirius’ stomach flipped. 

“If you say so,” he whispered back, trying to hide the excitement in his voice. 

“I do.” She lent closer to him, and as he thought she was going to press their lips together in front of Professor Slughorn, she reached for the jar of pickled beetles and set about starting the potion on page 25 of their textbooks as they had been instructed to do so at the beginning of the lesson. Dorcus was going to drive him crazy. 

After Potions, Dorcus found herself sitting in the library with Marlene. They started having this period free together with this year’s timetables and Dorcus usually dreaded it for she was mainly just friends with Lily and often had not bothered to converse with Lily’s other friends or the other girls in her dorm room. Today, however, she was relieved to have Marlene to talk to for she was a sensible kind of girl, who had fun but rarely challenged the rules and who always seemed to make smart decisions. Dorcus needed some advice from someone that would challenge her lust-focused brain. 

“Hey Marlene,” she spoke up. 

“Mhm,” the fawn-haired girl mumbled whilst still focusing on her books in front of her. 

“I wanted your advice.”

“Oh,” Marlene said as she looked up surprised, “what is it I can help with?” 

“What would you do if you kinda had feelings for someone who had a bit of a reputation for sleeping around... hypothetically of course.” 

“Gosh, I’d stop crushing on them ‘cause I doubt anything would come of it. Players are never going to date just one person so it’s best to stay away even though they are usually attractive and all that.”

“Right... but what if something had already happened between you two?”

“Dorcus, please don’t tell me you slept with this guy?”

“Maybe I did,” she said weakly.

“I guess it’s best to sort out what he wants. If it’s just the sex he’s after but you’re catching feelings, that’s not good. You’ll be overrun with jealousy.”

“Yeah I know you're right.”

“Relationships without commitment are often toxic. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone who wants only you and who will eventually love only you.”

“Yeah.”

“Be careful, won’t you?” Dorcus smiled at her. 

“How do you know all this stuff?” Marlene chuckled at that. 

“I don’t know anything. I’ve dated one guy since I was 14 years old.”

“You are still incredibly wise.”

“I think that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.” Dorcus blushed. She knew she had a habit of being cold. 

“Thanks anyway. I’m going to head down to dinner, I’ll see you later then?”

“Yeah,” Marlene smiled warmly at her. As Dorcus walked away she thought how her conversation with Marlene probably had the opposite effect then it should have had. The idea of a relationship disgusted her - maybe not disgusted but certainly freaked her out - and perhaps it was the lack certainty that intrigued her about Sirius. The complexity between them was fun and it appealed to her more than a relationship of ‘sappy’ commitment which Marlene had talked about. To top this off, Dorcus could never tell Sirius she actually liked him as she never could let herself open up to someone like him. She was unconsciously incredibly scared of being hurt and she would do anything to ensure her heart remained hidden behind stone walls. Therefore a sex-only relationship seemed to make the most sense. Marlene said all she needed was to handle the jealousy and Dorcus knew she was not a jealous kind of person. Yes, she would keep this up with Sirius as it was her only way of satisfying her crush and she had to admit, the sex was very good. 

So, after dinner Dorcus walked down to the kitchen and met a very determined Sirius, who instantly snogged her and whispered in her ear how he had been desperate to do that in Potions earlier today. Her heart fluttered slightly as she had felt exactly the same.   
“Fuck me,” was all she whispered, but perhaps it was code for feelings much more hidden. And Sirius led her to the kitchen bench and took her right there and then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Readers, 
> 
> Thank you for the patience with this chapter. I've been really busy and have sadly found it hard to find the time to write. I also find myself reading more fan-fic than writing it, and doing too much hopeless-romantic-girl-shit which usually consists of re-watching a bunch of my favourite movies. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! I'm having lots of fun writing the Dorcus and Sirius storyline so please let me know if you like it. 
> 
> Love to you all. 
> 
> P.S Reviews are the best!


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